


Contrapositive

by gwendee



Series: Entablature [2]
Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, College, Crack Treated Seriously, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, Family Dynamics, Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M, Mild Angst, Non-Canon Relationship, Past Abuse, Post-Canon, Slice of Life, Step-parents, The Author Regrets Nothing, Wedding Planning, trust me guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26304163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwendee/pseuds/gwendee
Summary: Irina goes to school, gets a girlfriend, plans a wedding and fights crime. Not entirely in that order.I wanted to write a fic for college student Irina Jelavic. The tags say exactly what you think they say.Read part 1 before this or it will not make a single bit of sense! (Then again, part 1 in itself doesn't make the most sense at all.)
Relationships: Asano Gakuhou/Karasuma Tadaomi, Irina Jelavić/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Entablature [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911166
Comments: 153
Kudos: 215





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heheheh. I'm writing this on the fly, so the updates may not be the most regular, but this fic has been on the forefront of my mind and I can't not post it, okay?
> 
> I'd like to thank Astra for this series, Entablature! Astra gave me the random word "Atlas", and I googled the definition to find that the third definition of the word was "a stone carving of a male figure, used as a column to support the entablature of a Greek or Greek-style building."  
> And the word entablature sounded cool, so I googled that and it's definition was "the upper part of a classical building supported by columns or a colonnade, comprising the architrave, frieze, and cornice."  
> And you know what? Everyone here ARE pillars supporting a family, no matter how ridiculous and strange it may be. So there.

**There is already so much going on**

Irina is in her freshman introductory german class when she gets a text message. It’s from Gakushuu, and it’s a video attachment. She checks that her phone’s media volume is on silent and then she presses play.

And then she squeals, and thirty pairs of eyes snap towards her.

Her professor raises an eyebrow. “Something to share with the class, Miss Jelavic?”

Irina pauses the video and looks up. “No, not really.”

There’s a laugh from the back row. 

Her professor narrows her eyes. “I suppose since you’re paying so much attention, you must have already mastered the material.”

Irina almost rolls her eyes. She decides to be the bigger person and refrain from doing so. “I mean, kinda, I’m actually taking this class for fun,” she says, in fluent german, and watches her professor’s eyebrows climb up to her hairline. “I apologize for the interruption, but you see, I just got sent some exciting news. Two of my friends just got engaged.”

“Oh,” Prof says, slightly flustered. “That’s nice.”

There’s a beat of silence. 

“You very obviously don’t need to take in this class. This is a beginner’s module.”

“I know,” Irina says. “But I can’t take the more advanced modules without clearing this, first.”

Prof adjusts her glasses. “It sounds like you don’t need the advanced classes, either.”

Irina shrugs. “A friend of mine recommended that I take some easy classes to balance out the harder ones I’m taking, to raise my GPA.”

There’s another beat of silence.

“Well,” Prof says. “Congratulations to your friends, then. Let’s carry on.”

\--

Tadaomi stares at the piece of paper Irina hands him. “This,” he chokes out, “is  _ wildly misleading,” _

Gakuhou Asano, his  _ fiance _ , looks over his shoulder and snickers. 

“You’re going to be a daddy!” 

It's a pregnancy announcement card. Irina had been too excited to pick it out at the store that the cashier congratulated her, and she had to correct them to say it was for a friend. No way she’s going to be a mom anytime soon - a baby would ruin her figure, and her next three to four years of tertiary education.

(Is it still called tertiary education if she’d never gone through the primary or secondary parts? Would college technically be her primary education?)

“No it’s not,” Irina says. “Right, Gakushuu?”

The future son in question is seated at the dining table, scribbling something on a notebook. “Yeah, totally. I’m going out with Tadaomi after school in my school uniform, I'll call him  _ daddy _ in public, and then loudly ask him if he’s going to let me touch his gun.”

Tadaomi’s face turns bright red. Irina and Gakuhou cackle, and Tadaomi smacks Gakuhou.

Gakuhou smacks back. Oh, they're throwing pillows at each other now. Is this what being cheesy and in love does to you? That's actually kind of cute, in some weird old-man away.

Irina flounces over to Gakushuu. “What’cha up to?”

“Ah, some administrative matters,” Gakushuu says. “I’m the secretary for the student council now, I’m doing a bit of housekeeping to sort out past years’ files. Also I’m figuring out how we’re going to tell the 3-E kids that their dear ex-teacher and ex-principal are getting hitched.”

At that, Tadaomi lets out a long groan. This isn’t the first time he’s having this conversation. Gakuhou laughs, again, and Tadaomi launches a pillow at him, again.

“Oh!” Irina shrieks, delighted. She claps her hands together. That would be so much fun. She can already see the expressions on their aghast, betrayed little faces.

Gakushuu turns to her, eyes glittering. “Also,” he says, “we’re planning a  _ wedding _ .”

**Tadaomi regrets all of his life decisions and Irina regrets none of them**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask me about the girlfriend I haven't come up with her yet sksjhjk
> 
> If you made it this far (the first chapter is short so that's not saying a lot), you're adopted now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to this madness train.  
> How do you make friends when you can't seduce people to murder them? Area woman attempts casual conversation, more at 8.

**"My skills as an assassin include talking to people."**

Irina has enrolled in a state college! It’s not a prestigious one, because she didn’t have anything in her resume going for her (a past career of assassination wasn’t going to score her any points - it was more likely to end up with her getting arrested.) The japanese military had pulled some strings to make the university administration turn a blind eye to her lack of any prior education documentation and reference papers. Of course that meant she was going to have to work for them after she graduates - something like an attached scholarship. But she got to go to school! How exciting! 

Irina had expected to find trouble with her classes, because she didn’t have any high school fundamentals to fall back on - she’d be learning most theory from scratch. She certainly didn’t expect to have trouble getting along with people. That was her job! She was trained to blend in with a crowd and gain trust as quickly and as efficiently as possible so she could betray it! How could she possibly have any trouble talking to people?!  
Spoiler alert: she did. A lot.

She went to grade school for a year and a half before, well, the entire city got blown to bits, her parents were killed, she killed the man who killed her parents, and she got picked up and turned to a life of assassination. She didn’t really have peers her age, because she didn’t socialize - there weren’t many child assassins she could interact with, and you didn’t really associate with people other than your own when you were killing people. 

Sure, she was a social butterfly, but she was a social butterfly in the term that she fluttered among the elite of society, weaving in and out of ballrooms and ice for the sole purpose of bringing someone to their hotel room so she could shoot them through the head. And more often than not those people were thrice her age. She didn’t, well… _make friends_. 

“They asked me what high school I studied in,” Irina says, pressing her hands to her cheeks. 

“What did you say?”

“I…” Irina is ashamed to admit this. “I blanked. I said I was homeschooled.”

“That’s a good answer,” Gakushuu says. 

“No it wasn’t!” Irina says. “If they asked me a single follow-up question my cover would be blown! I don’t know a single thing about being homeschooled!” She buries her face in her hands. “I’m not usually this flustered. I don’t have experience in this niche.”

“Hey,” Gakushuu says gently. “This isn’t a mission. You don’t have a cover to keep, and they’re not trained professionals who are trying to tear you apart. They’re just kids, and kids are idiots. You’re a great liar and they’ll buy anything you tell them.”   
Irina sighs. “This is too stressful.”

Gakushuu frowns at her. “You’ll do fine. You can be homeschooled. You can make anything up if they ask you about it.” He changes the subject. “How are your classes?”

“They’re okay,” Irina says. “It’s just been the first week.”

“Tell me about them,” Gakushuu says. 

\--

“There is no good way to break the news,” Karma says, seriously. “You just have to rip it off like a bandaid.”

“Seriously?” Tadaomi eyes him warily. “You’re exaggerating.”

Karma gives him a flat look. 

“He’s really not,” Gakushuu says, from the couch. “There’s no nice way to say, remember the oppressive totalitarian school system which fundamental principles were ruining your lives? I’m about to get married to the man who made that system.”

Tadaomi sighs. “You’re right. This is too delicate a matter to properly navigate.”

Irina snorts, from where she’s on the couch next to Gakushuu, legs crossed. “Delicate.”

Gakushuu leans towards her. “As delicate as the bedframe,” he says in a mock whisper, and Karma lets out a bark of laughter.

Tadaomi’s face colors. “It was- I- listen,-”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Tadaomi,” Irina snickers. “In fact I’d say it’s downright impressive.”

“I had that bed for ages,” Tadaomi hisses, waving a finger between all three of them. “It was going to break regardless of what we- stop laughing!”

\--

“So why’d you skip two years?”

Irina blinks. “Sorry?”

“You’re already like, 21, right?” Hui Min says. “Why’d you join college so late?”

“Most people take a gap year,” Hyung-Soo says. “Did you take a gap year?”

“I was, um, working,” Irina says. 

“Oh, that’s cool. What’dya work as?”

“Um…” Quick, Irina, think. “Just, you know. Odd jobs here and there.”

“You ever done food service?” Hui Min sighs, resting her cheek in her hand. “I was a waitress in my last year of high school. It was hell.”

Irina has been an assassin, a model, a pianist, a singer, a journalist, a receptionist and a middle school teacher… oh! She’s been a bartender! That counts as food service, right? “Yeah, so have I,” Irina says. “It was…” 

She was a bartender for a cumulative of twenty hours and forty three minutes across a work week, which gave her enough time to blend into just a faceless member of the ever-rotating, part-time shift work staff so she could seamlessly glide behind the counter and slip poison into her target’s drink, and then make a swift disappearance.

“...definitely hectic,” Irina says. 

Hui Min rolls her eyes. "I know, right?"

“You guys want to check out that cafe at the library?” Hyung-Soo says. “After your lecture later. I’ll ask Saito too.”

“Sure,” Irina says. She's already been there, and there are five exits. Eight if she's allowed to cause a bit of property damage.

“I’ll probably go to the library in a bit so just text me after and I’ll head down,” Hyung-Soo says. 

“See you then,” Hui Min says. “Come on, Irina, let’s go. I need to use the toilet first.”

\--

“So you had a crush on like, an older guy?” Saito wrinkles his nose. "Weren't you like, a kid?"

“No!” Irina says. "I was already 20 then. It's not weird."

Hui Min smacks him in the arm. “It’s normal to have crushes on older people! Like, celebrity crushes.”

“Well I’m glad he didn’t take advantage of you,” Hyung-Soo says. 

“He wouldn’t have,” Irina says, crossing her arms. “He’s a really nice guy.”

“You never know,” Saito says seriously. “I say that as a guy. We suck.”

Irina purses her lips. “It’s not that big of a deal,” she mutters. 

“Having a crush is completely normal, but the context matters.” Hui Min grabs her by the arm. “Being 28 and going out with someone who is 38 is different from going out with someone who is 18. You can never be too careful, you know.”

“Well, we're just friends now,” Irina says, and frowns at the expressions they give her. “I told you about the friend that recently got engaged, right? It’s him.”

“Still,” Hui Min looks skeptical. 

“He’s engaged to a man.”

Hyung-Soo lets out a low whistle. “That’s a curveball.”

“Yeah,” Irina says. “I’m happy for him.” 

“So he’s gay?”

“Yeah,” Irina says, leaning back in her chair. “Explains all the non-response I got when I tried flirting with him. You know, I-” am very experienced with that sort of thing, yeah, she shouldn’t say that, “well, uh, well anyways I think they’re a good match. Even though there’s a bit of an age difference there, hah, his fiance was our old boss, it’s all very weird, but I’m great friends with the son - the ex-boss’s son,” stop talking, “uh, yeah. This is… really nice coffee.”

The three of them stare at her.

**"Gakushuu, help!"**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a name for the girlfriend yet kjhgjk


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I just love this made-up, OOC, non-canon universe okay? I love it.   
> Maybe I just want my two favorite characters to be friends. Ever think about that? That's what fanfic is all about. Make your wildest canon divergent dreams come true.

**Irina: I have experience in talking to people**

**Gakushuu: What about talking to people you don't end up assassinating**

**Irina: Hm. Do you and 3-E count**

**Gakushuu: Didn't you try to kill 3-E that one time**

**Irina: Touche**

“So run me through the list again,” Gakushuu says, “of things you say when you want to work on your targets.”

“Well,” Irina taps her finger on her chin. “I tell them they’re very attractive regardless of how true that is.”

Gakushuu makes a face, and nods. “Uh-huh.”

“I offer them a drink, or ask them to offer me one… I ask them how naughty they feel and if they want to try something special or teach me something new or cheat on their wives - sometimes I cause a small altercation with the wife first, so when I approach the husband later it looks like I want vindictive revenge sex. It really depends on the man, really. Sometimes I just omit talking and pretend I’m wasted and collide into them or brush up against them with my-”

“Okay, stop,” Gakushuu says, holding up a hand. “Um, we obviously can’t use any of that. What do you do when you approach… not your targets, but say people in the vicinity? Say you wish to blend in with a crowd, get around undetected.”

“Oh! That’s simple,” Irina says. “I’m a woman, and I’m a blonde. I just act like I’m tipsy or dumb or both and people leave me alone,” she pauses, “or I could just wear a random staff uniform of wherever I’m at and no one looks at you twice.”

Gakushuu blinks at her. “Um, okay. How do you… uh… what do you talk about with your assassin friends?”

“Hm... “ Irina hums. “I guess we usually talk about our recent jobs, swap tips on killings and disguises… well I guess we talk about normal stuff too, if that’s what you mean. Places we’ve gone, nice food we’ve eaten…”

“Yes, yes!” Gakushuu looks relieved. “That’s a good conversation starter. Being homeschooled means you don’t have to abide by the same school year structure as everyone else, which gives you more opportunities for travel. Or you can also say you travelled during your gap years as well.”

Irina sags. “Really? Is it that simple?”

“There’s no way to operationalize genuine socializing,” Gakushuu says. He squeezes her hand. “I know this sounds like the most generic advice ever… but just be yourself. People will like you for who you are, if you give them the chance to… unless they’re assholes. Then kick their face in.”

\--

“I’m thinking a winter wedding,” Gakushuu says, “because the both of them are cold, emotionally stunted idiots.”

“Yeah,” Irina agrees, “but you and your father have such autumn colors.” 

“Tadaomi isn’t an autumn, though,” Gakushuu points out.

“Spring is too cheery for either of them,” Irina says.

“What about… summer?” Gakushuu says.”It’s hot, because neither of them are, so it balances out…”

“The school year ends and starts in the summer, which is about the time everything happened…”

Gakushuu nods thoughtfully. “They met the first time in the summer…”

Irina rubs her chin. “The octopus died…”

“My father lost his job…”

“They met the second time…”

“I walked in on them in the living room…”

“You know,” Tadaomi says, turning to Gakuhou. “I feel like we made a mistake.”

“ _ You _ made a mistake,” Gakuhou corrects him. “You know exactly what Gakushuu is like. Why do you sign papers he passes you without thoroughly reading them?”

“How was I supposed to know it was a contract signing over the rights to plan my own wedding?”

\--

“Should I join a sport?”

“Hm? Why not.” Karma says. “What do you have in mind?”

“Yeah, see, the thing is I don’t know how to play any sports,” Irina sighs. “Assassination, training and climbing up that stupid hill kept me fit, but I’m spending more time in class sitting down now than I am outside.” She pouts, and pokes at her belly. “I’m getting fat.”

“Just ask Gakushuu,” Karma says. “He plays every sport.”

“I do not,” Gakushuu says. “Just like, five. You don’t have to play a sport, you know. You can just go to the gym.”

Irina perks up at that. “I was planning on it!” 

“Is there a gym on campus?”

“Sure, I think?” Irina hasn’t bothered to look for one yet. “There probably is.”

Gakushuu looks up from his work and frowns at her. “Do be careful.”

Irina rolls her eyes. “Please. I can take care of myself.”

“We know,” Karma says. “Still.”

“I’m an assassin, guys,” Irina crosses her arms. “I’ve killed people. I’m sure I can handle some college kids staring at my boobs.” 

“Yeah, but you can’t go round beating up everyone who looks at you the wrong way,” Karma says. “And that’s coming from me.”

\--

“I don’t know why I let Gakushuu convince me to take statistics,” Irina mumbles. 

“Hm?” Suzuki looks up. “Who’s that?”

“A friend of mine,” Irina says. “He said it’s practical, and it’d be good for me.”

“Well, it is practical,” Suzuki muses, “but you probably won’t ever need to touch statistics again unless you go back to academia. Or accounting. Or marketing and sales. Or resources, because you need to count things for resources, right? Or programming. Or-”

“Do you understand the material?” Irina interrupts.

“Oh, sort of?” Suzuki. “I mean they’re just going through fundamentals from high school so far but I’ve forgotten everything from then already. I’ll probably have to dig out my old textbooks again, haha!”

“Yeah,” Irina says faintly. “Me too.” 

“God, I’m probably going to lose my mind when we actually get to the new material, I don’t remember a thing as it is-”

\--

“I’m sorry,” Gakushuu says. “I was basing everything I’ve said from my experiences. That’s an unfair comparison.”

“It’s fine,” Irina sighs. “At least I met some friends there, right? Even if I fail, I have my language classes to pull up my GPA.”

“Nope,” Gakushuu says. “You’re not going to fail.”

Irina stares blankly at her notes. “I don’t know what this is.”

“That’s the standard deviation equation. You’re not going to fail. I won’t let you fail.” He sits across her and looks through her papers. “I’ll tutor you.”

Irina opens her mouth.

“I made you take it, I’ll make you ace it,” Gakushuu says firmly. “You’ll be the top student in your class.”

“Aww,” Irina says. “Thank you. I’ll be at the… top of the bell curve, is that what people say?”

“Haha, yeah, no, don’t say that.”

**3-E classroom sometime last year,** **Irina staring at the blackboard: ??**

**Someone: Why do you look so confused Bitch-sensei that's just middle school material, even we understand it**

**Irina: ??I didn't go to middle school??**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan to let E-Class have their grand appearance the next chapter. Will Karma keep a straight face long enough for Karasuma-Asano Tadaomi to make the announcement or is he just going to ruin it by laughing too much? Who knows?


	4. Chapter 4

**(All past members of 3-E are, understandably, horrified.** **)**

Gakuhou raises an eyebrow at them. "You sure you don't want me to come?"

Irina stares critically at him. "I'm fairly certain the only thing your presence will do is make it worse."

"This isn't going to go over well," Tadaomi sighs. 

"Relax, Sensei," Karma says, patting Tadaomi on the back. "3-E loves you and will support you through all your decisions, no matter how… unconventional they are."

They're all meeting at the old classroom on the hill because there isn't a space big enough for all twenty nine of them to gather in public, especially not with the news that would no doubt cause the biggest of all commotions.

As they begin the trek up, Irina surveys the Kunugigaoka 3-E hill again. "This is actually a cute place for a wedding," she muses. "The nature, the emotional significance... what do you think?"

"I'll have to ask Gakuhou," Tadaomi says. "He has more of an emotional stake to this place than I do… although I suppose it does have it's, ah… memories."

Irina taps out a text to Gakushuu. 

A few of the children are already there, lounging in the grass and chatting like old times. Karma bounds over and joins a conversation between an animated Terasaka and an impassive Itona. From Terasaka's gestures, he's either describing a fight, a seagull, or a car wash. 

The kids wave to Irina and Tadaomi and Irina waves back. Tadaomi doesn't, because he's too busy clutching his hand. He's fiddling with his ring and hiding it from sight.

"How have you been, Senseis?" 

Irina glances at Tadaomi. He looks panicked. Irina may not be the best at trying to act like a normal person among her college peers, but she knows a thing or two about dealing with 3-E.

She puts her hands on her hips. "Settle down brats! I'm a college student now!"

"What?!"

"No way!"

"You?!"

"Which college?!"

"Did you even graduate from high school?"

"What are you studying?!"

Irina catches Karma's eyes, and he's hiding laughter behind his hand. He probably sees the distraction for what it is, especially with how fidgety Tadaomi is being. Who knew that getting hitched would be the thing to finally crack his poker face?

Half an hour later the entire class has arrived, and they're seated in a half circle as Irina details exploits of her pulling the rug out from under everyone in her language classes. "They bumped me up to be a teaching assistant in the advanced german class," she crows. 

"How come you didn't teach us german, Bitch-sensei?"

"Please, you brats were practically failing English when I first saw you!"

The kids cry out in protests, and Irina cackles. She misses these annoying kids. 

And then she meets Tadaomi's gaze over their heads, and she can't help but grin. 

"What's so funny?" Nakamura says.

"Well, we didn't call a class reunion for funzies, you know. We actually have a very important announcement to make. You see, Tadaomi-"

"Wow, congratulations!"

"I knew it!"

"It's been a long time coming, that's what it is!"

"When's the wedding?"

"How far are you along?"

"Have you picked out names yet?"

Karma is turning blue in the face from how much he's trying to hold his laughter in.

"What the- hey _brats_!" Irina cuts them off. "I'm not pregnant, you idiots! Do I look pregnant to you?!" 

"Well," Yoshida says, "you usually can't tell until after a few-"

"Shut up!" Irina huffs and crosses her arms. "Well sorry to burst your bubble but  _ I'm  _ not having a baby or getting married anytime soon!"

"Oh," the class echoes. A visible wave of disappointment washes over them. The octopus and his stupid matchmaking schemes have influenced them far too much. Anyone with eyes would see that Tadaomi showed no interest in her through the year, and Irina had better chemistry with a brick wall. She rolls her eyes, Tadaomi looks like he's ready to bolt, and Karma is on the floor shaking from the sheer willpower of trying not to burst out cackling and ruining the moment.

"Sorry for interrupting you," Isogai says, looking appropriately apologetic. His expression tells Irina he knows a thing or two on accidentally congratulating a 'not-so-skinny' woman on her pregnancy . "What is the announcement?"

"Well," Irina says, and she starts grinning again. "I may not be getting married, but your dear Karasuma-Sensei is."

And everyone's attention quickly snaps towards Tadaomi, standing off awkwardly to the side, and he very meekly holds out his hand to show off his shiny shiny engagement ring.

\--

" _Woooooooaaaaaaaaah_."

There's a brief moment of awed silence as everyone admires the ring. It glints brightly in the midday sun, and it costs an unfair amount of money for however much carats it has. Not a lot, because Tadaomi is not a diamonds kind of girl, but it's still a very expensive (custom) and a very very pretty one. Irina was never going to get married if her man didn't propose with a ring as ostentatious as _that_. Gakuhou really knew how to charm a classy lady, huh?

Then,  "Wait," the class looks back and forth between the both of them. "But if not Bitch-sensei…"

The kids shriek, and begin clamoring on Tadaomi. 

"Who is she?"

"Do we know her?"

"How long have you guys been together?!" 

"What's her name?!" 

"Can we meet her?"

Tadaomi looks even more terrified. "I, er-"

Irina snickers. "Well first off it's not a 'she', so let's start there."

"WHATTTT?!"

"Karasuma-Sensei, you're  _ gay _ ?!"

"Not that there's anything wrong with that!"

"We support you!"

"I'm gay too!"

"No wonder you're immune to Bitch-Sensei!" 

"We love you no matter what, Sensei!"

Irina laughs, and decides to rescue him. She floats over to Tadaomi's side. "You're all getting up in my personal space! Make some room!" And she shoos the kids away until they've settled back into a very fidgety and enthusiastic crowd.

She nudges Tadaomi. "This is your announcement, not mine."

"Dammit," Tadaomi sighs. 

"Getting cold feet already?" Irina teases. She turns to the kids. "Don't be too hard on Tadaomi. I have to say that this isn't up on his list of good judgement calls."

3-E lets out a very dramatic "SHHHHHHHH", but they're still eagerly giggling among themselves. "Why?"

This is the best day of Irina's life. "You know him." 

Another round of curious exhilarated chatters spread. Karma is catatonic on the floor.

Tadaomi takes a deep breath. "It's Gakuhou Asano."

"..."

"...huh?"

"..."

"...haha, what?"

Tadaomi takes another breath. "Your ex-principal."

Someone laughs nervously. "Funny joke, Sensei."

"Haha y-yeah! You have such a straight face we couldn't tell-"

"It's not a joke," Tadaomi manages. Oh, he's blushing! Irina takes her phone out to snap a picture.

This is apparently Karma's breaking point, because he immediately loses it. Peals of laughter explode out of him. He collapses over Nagisa, who startles, and doesn't seem to know what to do with a lapful of vibrating Karma Akabane.

3-E turns around. "Did you know about this?!"

"Yes!" Karma shrieks, delighted. "It's not a joke! I know because Gakushuu told me!"

"Gakushuu? Oh, Asano?!"

"Wait-"

"You two are in the same class-"

"Is he serious?"

"Karasuma-sensei, are you really-"

"DO WE HAVE TO CALL YOU ASANO-SENSEI RIGHT NOW?"

"Wait, what happened-"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS-"

"Yes, because I'll die before I joke about things like that." Oh, it's Gakushuu! He's popped up from the underbrush, and now the entirety of 3-E are gaping at him. Tadaomi looks haunted.

Gakushuu's pocketing his mobile phone, and he has a messenger bag with him.

"Asano?!" 3-E cries, the same time Tadaomi says "Gakushuu?" and to put the final nail in the coffin, Gakushuu saunters over and leans against Tadaomi, resting his chin on his shoulder. 

"Figured you need some moral support," Gakushuu drawls. "...Dad."

"Wait… so…" Sugino says faintly, "this… isn't a joke?"

"Some days," Gakushuu says, sighing dramatically, as Tadaomi buries his face in his hands and Gakushuu starts pulling out papers from his bag (oh my god, they're wedding _Save the Date_ cards), "I wish it was."

\--

"So that went well," Gakushuu says chippily.

Tadaomi lifts his head from the table to glare at his future step-son. "You're on thin ice," he says, and then his head drops back on the table with a thunk.

Next to him, Gakuhou is absently patting his hair. There there. 

"How do you have so many pictures of them?" Irina says, impressed. 

Gakushuu's _Save the Dates_ were just photographs of the couple, with "Summer Next Year" printed his unfairly neat handwriting at the back.  Turns out even 3E were susceptible to pictures of two grown men being sort-of cute together and yeah, Irina has never seen Tadaomi blush so much or smile that hard.

"Please," Gakushuu says, waving a hand. "They live in my house."

**Gakushuu: I mean if u wanted privacy u probably shouldn't pda in public, just a thought :/**

**Gakuhou: you picked the lock on the bedroom door**


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irina is making friends!

**Irina knows too much about 18th century german literature to survive in the world**

"I’ve never been to one of these before.”

Hui Min turns to look at her. “You’ve never been to a house party?”

Irina has been to functions thrown in the grand ballrooms of three-star hotels and soirees on decks of multi million dollar yachts off the coast of private islands. She’s never been to a rager at a college dorm and she’s never drunk alcohol off a red solo cup - which, for the record, was something she assumed only happened in american movies. This was so surreal!

“I can’t believe we’re taking your party virginity,” Saito snickers, and Hui Min smacks him. 

Irina’s friends drift around the room and one by one get pulled away into several conversations. Irina floats around with small talk until she realizes she’s finished her drink, and then heads over to the… well, it’s not quite a real open bar, but there’s a group of guys mixing drinks at the kitchen island. It is such a stark difference from the classy cocktail bars she's been too that the stark difference - half empty beer bottles on a Winnie-The-Pooh tablemat - makes her giggle.

“Looking for a drink?” one of them call out to her. “We’ll make you something.”

“Sure,” Irina says. The bottles are unlabelled, so she doesn’t recognize them. She lets the boys tell her how pretty she is until she gets the drink passed back to her. It’s sweet, and not something she recognizes. Irina doesn't suppose it would be a real recipe anyways.

“Thanks,” she says, raising the cup to her lips, and then wanders off again.

A house party is… boring, is what it is. She’s traced the perimeter thrice, cataloged all the exits, and profiled most of the guests. She doesn’t have a task to complete, a bug to plant, a person to kill. What exactly is it that people do at house parties?

Someone slides up to her. “Why are you looking so glum?”

“Oh, nothing,” Irina says airly. 

“I’m the host, it’s my job to make sure all the guests are entertained,” the man says, and oh, what a shame. He’s doing a terrible job. But of course etiquette demanded that you never insult the party to the host even though said insults may be true.

“It’s a nice party,” Irina says. She pauses. “The drinks are nice.”

Host beams. “Yeah? Me and the boys have concocted our own personal brew. Come on, we’re having a drinking competition right now, it’d be fun.”

A drinking competition? Well, it was something to do, at least. Irina doubts that anyone would be able to out-drink her in any case - she beat Gakuhou out for 17 shots last Thursday, But it’d kill time, at the very least, and might be amusing to watch. 

\--

"Is it true?" Harada corners her the next morning. 

Irina raises her eyebrow. "What?"

"You downed 11 shots last night."

"Oh," Irina says. "right, yeah."

Harada blinks at her. Irina blinks back.

"So…" Harada says slowly. "You didn't… die of alcohol poisoning. You're not like hungover? At all?"

"Uh," Irina says. "Not really. I guess I just have. Lots of practice."

"Uh-huh," Harada says slowly. "Well anyways, you're popular now."

Irina blinks. "I am?"

"Of course! You're wild!" Harada laughs. "People have been asking after you. I'm not giving your number to strangers though. Do you have like, a social media account?"

"Ah, yeah, I do," Irina says, pulling out her phone. She didn't use to have any, because having a traceable online trail was, well, bad in her line of work. Gakushuu and Karma have both insisted she make one, because not having an online presence would make her suspicious, and a recluse. She has a Snapchat and a Twitter and an Instagram now, and a selfie on each.

"You're cute," Harada says absently. She's shorter than her (Irina is pretty tall for a girl) but that doesn't stop Harada from reaching up and patting her on the head.

Irina can blush at will. It's a useful skill to have. She usually blushes when her targets compliment her, even if they're terrible at said compliments.

She doesn't blush at Harada. There's no need to. "You too," she just says, smiling, and she gets a second head pat.

\--

“Oh, no, I’m far too out of shape for that,” Kurosawa says. 

“So am I,” Irina says, as she stretches.

Kurosawa gives her an incredulous look. “You just bench pressed your own weight.”

“Having upper body strength doesn’t mean I can run,” Irina says.

“I’m sure you can run five miles,” Kurosawa says. “Me? I haven’t run in years.”

“You’ll still run with me, right?” Irina says.

“Sure, but I’ll warn you I’ll probably tap out at mile three.” Kurosawa gathers her hair into a ponytail. “You know, when you said light exercise, I was expecting a slow jog around the park and then frappes after.”

“We can still get frappes,” Irina says. “Didn’t you use to swim?”

“Is that a personal attack, Jelavic?” They start a steady pace around the track. “I did, but that was way back in middle school. I spent high school getting out of shape.”

Irina snickers. “I spent middle school trekking up and down a hill every day.”

“And what, you spent high school lifting weights?”

“Uh, I didn’t go to high school.”

“Oh, right, you’re home-schooled.”

They're halfway through the first lap when Irina gets the distinct impression she's being followed. She glances out from the corner of her eye - oh, it's just Masuda. The three of them share a class together, what a coincidence. He looks like he's recognized them, and he's headed in their direction.

“Irina? Kurosawa?”

“Masuda,” Irina greets. 

Masuda jogs up alongside them. ”Fancy seeing you. You two don’t seem like the running type of people, uh, no offence.”

Kurosawa cuts in before Irina can say anything. “I'm not a running person, I'm just here because Irina says she wants a workout buddy. She’s an athlete.”

Irina rolls her eyes. “I am not. I’ll have you know that my stamina is terrible.”

“You can do the splits, though.”

“Is that what being an athlete is in your mind?”

“I’m just saying!”

"Hm," Masuda says. "You look like a volleyball girl. Were you a volleyball girl?"

"I never played any sports," Irina says. 

"Want to start? We can use two extra players on our frisbee team."

**Irina: honestly stays the same, is she even drunk? who can tell? she's half-russian. maybe**

**Gakuhou: sentimental drunk, talks at length about Gakushuu to anyone who will listen, has recently upgraded that section to include his fiance**

**Tadaomi: flirty/clingy drunk, wants affection he wouldn't normally ask for when sober**

**Gakushuu: technically not allowed to drink but not that Gakuhou ever cares, anyways chatty drunk, rated most likely to drunk dial exes if he had any, talks about bivalves for an hour**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanon is buff Irina. Well, not really, she's not going to win in a head-on fight with any of the 3-E kids. She can probably kick the ass of a normal person on a street or bludgeon them over the head with a table, and i imagine she'll need to be strong enough to pull off Natasha-Romanoff style gymnastics in a pinch. (Her superpower is sprinting in heels). After all, you probably need to make some quick and deft escapes before someone comes running due to the sound of gunshots, am i right? But she'll probably sprain something and grumble about it for weeks, or maybe even break something. Ouch.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today we revisit Karahou because I can't get enough of them
> 
> I think I've written so many odd pairings and relationships/friendships over the years. It's so odd to think about them. Heheh..

**Gakushuu: I will call you Dad but only if it benefits me politically**

**Tadaomi: We got into a fight and you put me in a headlock but I was so touch-starved I allowed it**

Tadaomi had called her spluttering a few choice words early this morning so she has decided to drop by the Asanos’ after lunch with Shin today.

Irina steps into the sitting room. Tadaomi is looking uncharacteristically flustered, and he has his head buried in Gakuhou’s shoulder. Gakuhou is absently patting him on the back, his attention mostly taken up by whatever Gakushuu is showing him on his laptop. 

“What got your panties in a twist?” Irina says.

Tadaomi lifts his head. He looks aggrieved. “I made a mistake.”

“Multiple mistakes,” Gakuhou says peacefully. 

Tadaomi glares half-heartedly at him. “I wouldn’t have said yes if I knew that _demon child_ of yours came as a package deal.”

“Please,” Gakushuu says. “You wouldn’t have said yes if I _wasn’t_ part of the deal.”

Irina snickers, because Gakushuu is right. Tadaomi is ever so fond of Gakushuu, it’s a bit like a first time pet owner dealing with a feral stray cat, relishing every little bit of affection that said cat throws its way as it warms up to him.

He’d called Irina, giddy over the moon (or as ecstatic as Tadaomi would let himself be, aka a poker face with slightly wider eyes and an almost disconcertingly wide smile) when he realized Gakushuu spent Father’s Day with him, not caring at all in the slightest (maybe a little) that his now-fiance-then-boyfriend was giving him the silent treatment. 

Several months ago Gakushuu had stared straight into Tadaomi’s eyes for a second too long and decoded every single bit of Tadaomi’s psyche, and proceeded to bust out the crayons and draw a horrible rendition of “me and dads” featuring Gakushuu, Gakuhou and Tadaomi as stick figures, reminiscent of a five-year-old’s kindergarten activity. It was clearly a horrible mockery of Tadaomi’s dreams and insecurities of wanting a family and realizing he’ll probably never get a “normal” one (and Gakushuu could actually draw rather well, so he was clearly taking the piss), and Gakushuu had rather scathingly said that Tadaomi could hang it up on his refrigerator. And for some god-forsaken reason, Tadaomi did. 

“You realize he’s just fucking with you, right?” Irina had said, arms crossed, staring at the hideous crayon drawing. Tadaomi’s name was spelled wrong. 

Tadaomi had frowned. “I know,” he said then, and he gazed at the terrible crayon drawing with far too much fondness than it had warranted. So the first thing Gakushuu does when he realizes that Tadaomi had kept it was to rip it off the refrigerator and attempt to shred it. Tadaomi had barely managed to save the horrible drawing (it already had a tear from where Gakushuu was already going to rip it) and it’s now kept in a folder in his office away from Gakushuu’s demon hands.

Where were they? Right. 

“So what did you do?” Irina asks Gakushuu, who looks far too smug, and Gakuhou next to him looks bemused.

“I took the entire week off for him,” Gakushuu says. “He’s just grumpy because he tried going into his office today anyways and they kicked him out.”

Ah. The wrath of Asanos. Apparently the government's only weakness.

Irina looks at Tadaomi, who just sinks lower, pouting.

“He’s fully booked this week, anyhow,” Gakushuu rattles off, “suit fittings, venue viewings, cake tastings-”

“My first wedding was far less eventful,” Gakuhou muses. “My wife’s side of the family had taken care of the proceedings. I just needed to show up.”

“-ment photoshoots, we don’t even have a guestlist-”

“Are you closer in age to my parents or to me?” Tadaomi suddenly asks.

Gakuhou blinks at him. “What kind of question is that?!”

“-the caterer, and we also need to make arrangements with the florist, because I have my heart set on the Ascocendas but they’ll have to be imported in bulk-”

“Closer to you, of course!” Gakuhou looks offended.

Tadaomi is counting something off on his fingers. “By three years.”

“-summer, so we might as well install air-conditioning in the 3-E classroom, not like we don’t have the money for it-”

“Well I’m not going to die earlier than you, if that’s what you’re hoping,” Gakuhou sniffs.

“I think I’ll die first,” Tadaomi sighs. “Your son is going to drive me into an early grave.”

“-install soundproofing, because I really don’t want to have to live here any longer without it because there’s too much empty space in this house and everything echoes, and I can’t wear earplugs or I’ll miss my alarm-”

\--

"You want me to what?!"

"Investigate," Sonokawa says. 

"So you chose this school for me for a reason," Irina says. 

Sonokawa shrugs. "Those aren't my orders, they're from the higher ups." 

There's rumors of a trafficking scheme floating about Irina's college, which she may or may not have been sent to as a student cum undercover agent, and she's just found this out… five minutes ago.

Sonokawa has been swapped to be her handler ever since the Asanos pestered their way into Tadaomi's life, and the supervisors deemed Tadaomi too emotionally compromised to deal with Irina in a professional way. Irina likes Sonokawa, she's nice, and she thinks Gakuhou is a terror but Gakushuu is the sweetest thing ever, which is pretty much how most people at the office think of the Asanos. Tadaomi swears up and down that he doesn't know how the duo has everyone under their thumbs, but he is, too.

"This will be a job, of course, so you will be paid accordingly," Sonokawa continues.

Does Irina need extra money? Not really, because she does get an allowance from the government as part of her "scholarship", and she still has a backlog of pay from being 3-E’s languages teacher cum assassin master. She also has a lesser known “sugar baby” in her job description, with a few rich men who would send her as much money as she wants as long as she trades in pretty pictures. 

Still, extra income isn’t unwelcome, and the idea of undercover work at her college sounded pretty fun. It’s almost like her life is a sitcom.

Irina leans forward. "How much?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have too many new fic ideas kjhghjk I can't stop, I'm dead. I have several wips that I might start posting soon because this fic doesn't even have a clear narrative/storyline right now, so I don't know when it will end.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot minute and I'm back!  
> Not really. Like Irina, I have no idea how to handle school.

**Irina: It's my duty to impart assassin knowledge onto the kids**

**Tadaomi: can you impart assassin knowledge to anyone other than the people I live with**

**Irina: no**

Tadaomi's car is waiting at the curb outside campus gates, but it's not Tadaomi at the driver's seat. Irina throws the door open. "Are you old enough to drive?"

"Not legally, no," Gakushuu says.

Fair enough.

Irina hops into the passenger seat, and tosses her bag to the back. "Where are we going?"

"Downtown," Gakushuu says. "We're going to catch two overgrown idiots who have decided to run away from me because they're scared of a little bit of flowers like they think I don't know how to find them."

Irina snickers. "Does Tadaomi know you have his car?"

"Like he'd leave me with them willingly," Gakushuu says. "No, I pickpocketed his keys."

"So how are you going to find them?" Irina says, and Gakushuu starts driving.

"I already know where they are," he says easily. "Isogai texted me. Tadaomi thinks darling Yuuma wouldn't rat him out, but he and the rest of class E know that the comedic value of this entire situation outweighs the shallow trust Tadaomi has in them - that and who doesn't want to watch me drag their asses back into a boutique?" He looks at Irina, grinning. "I know your class just ended and I figured you wouldn’t want to miss it."

"You're enjoying this," Irina observes.

"Dear old dad hasn't been this emotionally vulnerable in ages," Gakushuu says, but there's an undercurrent of fondness in his voice. "The blackmail material I've gathered so far is  _ priceless _ ."

\--

Irina is lounging in a booth next to Nagisa, Kayano and Sugino, who are watching with poorly concealed amusement as Gakushuu reenacts a scene straight out of a coming-of-age chick flick, complete with the strained family bonds and (fake) crying.

"-And you never cared about me!" Gakushuu sobs, and passers-by shoot Tadaomi and Gakuhou dirty looks.

Tadaomi is panicking. "No! Of course we do!"

Gakuhou is sighing. "You're weak," he says to Tadaomi.

Tadaomi steps on his foot. "This is your fault!"

"How is it?!-"

"You taught him to be emotionally manipulative!"

"Not like this!"

Gakushuu blinks, eyes suddenly suspiciously free of tears. "Nah, Irina taught me this."

It’s a necessary skill. Gakushuu had been far too stone cold with his previous delivery, because that was what worked for Gakuhou and thus what Gakuhou taught him. The problem was that Gakushuu, while a scary scary child, had a potential that Irina felt was just wasted on pure intimidation. He had such a pretty face and he was good at pretending he had a preppy personality, he should tap into his full arsenal of skills!

From the storefront window, Gakuhou turns to glare at her. Irina winks at him.

Gakushuu looks between the two of them. "Is it not working? Am I not the most adorable thing you've seen?"

"No," Gakuhou says.

Tadaomi doesn't say a thing.

Gakuhou looks at him. "Seriously?"

"He's the miniature version of you," Tadaomi hisses. "You should be glad I find him cute at all."

Karma is sitting nearer the window, phone out and filming. "This is amazing," he says.

**Tadaomi: I never expected to be a dad**

**Gakuhou: What did you expect to be?**

**Tadaomi: Dead**

**Gakushuu: we can change that**


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I have so many WIPs I want to work on, polish and then publish.   
> ALSO the influx of Gakushuu fics in this fandom is making me cry I love all of them... we are so active now... yall are keeping me fed through these times <3   
> (I'm in the middle of my examination period, which explains the sudden lapse of activity, if everyone is used to seeing my regular updates. Not to worry, gwen scheduled programming is resuming in... soon, soon.)

**Irina tries her hand at work-life balance**

"I thought the movies were exaggerating when they said college students party every night," Irina mumbles.

"You don't have to go to every party," Suzuki says.

"But I'm invited to all of them?"

"I think people want to see you pole dance."

Irina rolls her eyes. She's admitted to knowing how to pole dance a little on her 9th shot.

Jin leans forward. "Did you ever work as a," his voice drops to a whisper, "you know?"

Irina raises an eyebrow. "A stripper? No." She can, but she's never needed to be one as a cover. She's not even any good at pole dancing - she can spin a couple of rounds and do a twirl, but that's about it. She's not a professional dancer in any capacity. She can stand on her tip-toes but that didn't make her a ballet dancer.

"So are you coming tonight or nah?" Suzuki says. "Perfectly fine to say no, you know."

"You know what?" Irina stretches. "You're right. I'm beat. I'm going home and taking a nap instead."

\--

Irina was going to go back to the Asano's and pick a room to crash in and take a nap, honest she was! She doesn't know why she's trespassing, hoisting herself over a wire fence and dropping silently into the underbrush.

What had Sonokawa asked her to look for? Financial records? Why was she breaking into the Science Faculty Dean’s office in the middle of the night?

She picks the lock and slips silently into the office, and begins rifling through some files. 

"This is ridiculous," Irina mutters to herself. She doesn't even quite know what she's looking for. "I might as well just take everything."

She rifles through files and snaps pictures. Sonokawa had said that they have done all they can on their end to snoop in the public online files, so any relevant information must be on personal hard-drives or via a paper trail. Irina can't exactly abscond with the entire desktop, and any criminal worth their salt would hide data on something they can slip in their pocket and not on the school servers anyways.

"These are just stupid receipts," Irina mutters, quickly flipping through the files. Who buys a thousand dollars worth of coffee creamer for the pantry? Does coffee creamer even cost that much? That's so stupid- wait. That might actually be a lead. 

Snap snap snap. Okay, that's a ton of pictures. There better be something useful in all this. Time to leave. Irina sneaks back out, quietly locking the door behind her, and tiptoes through the empty hallways. She's mapped out the blind spots of the security cameras but the route she had to take puts her directly in the middle of the night security rounds, so she has to be careful not to run into the guards-

"Hey!"

Ah fuck.

"Ma'am, this is a-"

Irina quickly spins around, trips over her feet, and stumbles directly into the arms of a now befuddled security guard who drops a walkie talkie in shock.

"-some shots!" Irina giggles quickly. "Kats? Is that you? Why'dya so tall? Are we back y-yet?"

The walkie talkie crackles. "You okay?"

The guard braces Irina with one arm and unsteadily picks up the walkie talkie in another. "There's some girl here."

"Is that Ha-a-aayamwi??? Hi Hai-ya-mee!"

Guard looks disconcerted. "I think she's drunk."

"There's a party going on at the Sigma dorms," Walkie Talkie says. 

"Damn college kids," Guard mutters.

Irina lets Guard drag her to the security booth. Walkie Talkie looks amused.

"You got a phone to call your friends to pick you up, girl?" Walkie Talkie says. 

"How the hell did she get all the way inside?" Guard says.

Irina needs to sell the story better. She pulls out her phone, laughs at nothing, and then calls Suzuki.

Suzuki is at the party. Irina slaps the speaker button, and she can hear people screaming in the background. 

"HI SU-KI!" Irina screams. "WHERE ARE YOU."

"Irina?" Suzuki's voice is distorted through the noise. "I can't hear you!"

"WHERE. ARE. YOU?"

"I'M AT THE PARTY!"

"ME TOO!"

"REALLY? I THOUGHT I SAW YOU BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE!"

Thank god for blondes. 

"WHERE ARE YOU?"

"I'M IN THE BACKYARD!"

"I'M COMING!"

"I'M WAVING. CAN YOU SEE ME WAVING?"

"NO!" Irina looks around. "CAN YOU WAVE HARDER?"

"Oh for fuck's sake," Guard says. "Stop screaming. I'm taking this girl back."

"WHO'S THAT?" Suzuki screams.

"I'M WITH KATSUKI! HE'S SUPER TALL!" Irina screams back.

Guard sighs. Walkie Talkie snickers.

\--

“Hey Suzuki,” Irina says. She reaches over and replaces the cup in Suzuki’s hand with one filled with water. Suzuki takes a sip. She doesn’t seem to notice.

“I thought you said you weren’t coming to the party,” Suzuki says. 

Irina shrugged. “I changed my mind.”

“Nice,” Suzuki says. She’s swaying on her feet. Irina grabs her by the elbow and herds her to a chair. 

Irina, for effect, has latched onto “Katsuki” and dragged him around the party until she ran into Suzuki. Comically, the girl was wasted enough to actually mistake Guard for Katsuki as well (they were both brunettes). Guard had rolled his eyes, dumped her ass there, and stalked off.

All in all, a job well done. 

She might as well stay a bit, as a treat.

**Gakushuu: I thought you said you were coming over :(**

**Irina: Sorry, something came up :(**

**Gakushuu: I had to watch two old men be gross at each other alone :((**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly in the mood for an Itona Kayano buddy cop fic?  
> Or wait. Listen. Listen.  
> BFFs since meeting in Shiro's lab, now Super Powered Tentacle Experimented BFFs 
> 
> Kayano: Listen i can't kill this octopus alone  
> Itona: What do you want me to do  
> Kayano: Transfer in  
> Itona: Halfway through the school year??? And this is a super prestigious school, how-  
> Kayano: Break something. That's how I did it.

**Author's Note:**

> And here it is. Thanks for reading!


End file.
